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yourplayersaidwhat:

To put in into context, we’ve just started the Tyranny of Dragons adventure book, which starts off with a town getting ransacked. Our group of intrepid adventurers- a half-orc butcher(fighter), a wood elf vegetarian cook(monk), a half-elf ladies boy(bard), a teifling priest(cleric), and a halfling princess(druid) -intercept a group of civilians being chased down by kobolds.

After a brief utter pulverization combat, the group has two KOed adults, one panicked woman, and three children. While the bard tried to calm the mother down, the priest and the princess did what they could to heal the group. At first level, its not much. But that still left three kids to tend to in an active warzone.

Priest: Healers take the wounded, Bard stays with mom, Monk is on security, give the kids to the Half-Orc.

Monk(while corralling the kids): Don’t eat these!

Half-Orc: Pfha! These little ones are too stringy.

DM: Why are we giving the kids to the Half-Orc BUTCHER?!

Half-Orc Player: I’ve got the highest ‘Handle Animal’ skill here. I’ve got this.

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black–lamb:

geekandmisandry:

antipeanutbutter:

wizardyangst:

uchidachi:

Me: Alright, are you ready, Hattie?

Hattie: Meow

Me: *sings* ♪ If you’re happy and you know it, say “meow” ♪

Hattie: Mraaow

Me: ♪ If you’re happy and you know it, say “meow” ♪

Hattie: Mrah

Me: ♪ If you’re happy and you know it, and you really want to show it, if you’re happy and you know it, say “meow” ♪

Hattie: *rolls over* Mwraaah!

This is exactly the kind of A+ content I come to see on this website

Omfg

@rainfelt

hattie is a star

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broliloquy:

ranbrownblog:

broliloquy:

My kid asked me to draw Anna and Elsa so here, have some magnadoodle dad art

image

This just in I married a fUCKING SHOWOFF

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chaoticneutralinc:

This is actually quite devious and brilliant.

Source: D&D Memes on Facebook.

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meanwhilebackinthedungeon:

– Lane Brown

The Apprentice Wizard Calls Her Familiar…

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yourdndstories:

<Later, standing over grave with remaining party members> There is nothing I could have done. 

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▶ The Button

yourplayersaidwhat:

Me: We walk into the room.

DM: The moment you’re all inside, the door slam shut behind you. The door that was open on the other side of the room shuts, too. From the center of the floor, a pedestal rises up into view. On top of it is a massive red button. A booming voice emanates from nowhere, beginning a countdown. 10. 9. 8—

Barb: HOLY CRAP.

Me: I search the room for an exit.

DM: Roll perception. 6. 5.

Ranger: We should push the button!

Me: WE DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN! 19 on perception.

DM: You don’t find an exit. 2.

Barb: I PUSH THE BUTTON!

DM: The countdown resets. 10. 9.

Me: Yinnilith [the ranger] search the room! Maybe I didn’t roll high enough.

DM: 6. 5.

Ranger: HA! 26 on perception!

DM: You don’t find an exit. 3.

Me: I PUSH THE BUTTON!

DM: 10. 9.

Me: Beergut [the barb] try and break down the doors!

Barb: He said they were stone! You said they were stone, right?

DM: They’re stone. 5. 4.

Me: I PUSH THE BUTTON!

DM: 10. 9.

Barb: I try and break down the door.

Ranger: AND I PUSH THE BUTTON!

DM: Beergut, roll a strength check. 10. 9.

Barb [ooc i guess?]: FUCK YES! Nat 20, total score of 28!

DM: You can’t break down the door. 6. 5.

Ranger: I PUSH THE BUTTON!

Me: Wait, he rolled a NAT TWENTY. He had to break down the door.

DM: He didn’t. 5.

Me: I PUSH THE BUTTON! But a Nat 20 is always a success.

DM: Not this time. 9. 8.

Me: Can I search the room again?

DM: You can try. 4.

Barb: I PUSH THE BUTTON!

DM: 10. 9.

Me: Crap. 15 on perception.

DM: You actually see less of the room than you did last time. 5. 

Me: Dang it, I push the button. Beergut, do you have your dailies?

Barb: Yes.

Ranger: I’ve got everything up, too, except charm animal.

DM: 4. 3.

Me: I push the button. We ready ourselves for a fight.

DM: You get +1 on your next initiative roll. 5.

Barb: Wait, maybe there’s something we haven’t thought of.

DM: 3.

Me: There’s nothing. Unless you can think of something?

DM: 2.

Barb: THERE MUST BE SOMETHING!

Ranger: I PUSH THE BUTTON!

DM: 10. 9.

Me: Guys! There’s nothing. We’re just going to have to fight whatever comes out when the timer runs down, okay?

DM: 6. 5.

Barb: I’m telling you, there’s a way out, and we’re gonna be so pissed we didn’t think of it.

DM: 3. 2.

Me: How long do you want to sit here trying to think of it?

Barb: Fine.

DM: 1. 0.

Everyone: *waits expectantly*

DM: The doors slide open on both sides of the room.

Me: What comes out?

DM: Nothing.

Ranger: (after a moment) Now?

DM: Nothing. There’s nothing. The doors are open.

Me: I move cautiously toward the door opposite the one we came in.

DM: You see a hallway stretching a long way in the other direction.

Me: Nothing inside it?

DM: Nothing.

There was a long moment of silence. Then we all pretty much tripped over each other trying to jump across the table and strangle the DM to death.

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yourplayersaidwhat:

The Druid: Where did all these orcs come from anyways? Knowing you (the DM) they all came from Orcville. 

The Cleric: Orcington. 

The Sorcerer: The Orc-alachian Mountains

The DM: No, they all lived in a quaint town in Orcansas.

(the party proceed to make Orc puns for the next ten minutes.)

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archangelunmei:

gifthescreen:

TIME magazine named Angela Merkel as its 2015 Person of the Year.

Get wrecked.

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snufk1n:

‘the oppression the irish faced proves racism against whites is real!’

a) thats xenophobia, not racism. the americans hated us because we were from ireland, not because we were fucking white lol.

b) learn the difference between ‘these people are from a different country, get them out of here’ and ‘these people are of a different race, get them out of here’

c) stop using us as a gotcha against black ppl, you racist shitbags

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